Will vs Jack: The Epic Battle
by niirasri
Summary: Who will Elizabeth choose? How will the other react? Omg, what is Jack's obsession with rhubarb? Do I even want to know? Do you? Who are you? ONESHOT


AiShi: Okay, this is basically crack in the form of a fanfiction. But, I am pretty sure it is the greatest thing I have ever written, and I managed to stay in-character, which is fricking AMAZING. Well, up until the last sentence. Or second-to-last. XD Enjoy. (Co-written with the other person who "hijacked" my account) (Okay, she just typed it up.)

* * *

It was another normal day in a grungy jail cell on a random island in the middle of nowhere. Captain Jack Sparrow and William Turner sat back to back with their hands roped to each other, very tightly, might I add, for no particular reason. It was cold and wet, and a cockroach crawled across the floor in front of Will. He watched it crawl across his boot and then turned his head.

"How are we getting out of this one?" he asked.

"Well," Jack said, staring ahead, "the way I see it, we would have one of two options……"

Will waited for him to continue. After three minutes he cleared his throat.

"You want something?"

"I was waiting for you to continue."

"…Was I saying something?"

Will rolled his eyes, "Never mind it."

They sat in silence. A door banged somewhere far off. The person across from in another jail cell them made an obscene gesture and then started to pick his nose. Apparently, he found a little of his brain matter, because he pulled out something long and stringy. He grinned at them. Will tried to edge away.

'How did I get here anyway?' he thought to himself. 'I always get into things like this.'

'I wonder if there are salmon in the Atlantic. That's what I really want right now." Jack thought, staring off into space.

'I mean, he's always got something to plunder or someone to spring.'

'Or rhubarb pie I know it's poisonous uncooked but if it's in a pie…'

'I should just leave him. Maybe I'll break out of here while he's asleep… no, damn, I need him too much.'

'Or in a jam. Rhubarb jam. I wonder what the weathers like outside. Probably sunny… with a little bit of clouds.'

'And if I left him Elizabeth would be mad…'

Will paused again and turned his head again.

"Uhm… Jack?"

"What? What's it?"

"Who do you think Elizabeth will choose?"

"For what? Her handmaid?"

"…To…marry."

"Oh," Jack looked at the person across from them, who was juggling a random orange and a piece of air. "Well, no particular offence to you, mate," Jack said, shifting his place, "but I think she would choose the more intelligent of us, I think."

"Oh." Will said, looking up at the ceiling, "I'm glad you think she'll choose me too."

Jack turned around (well best s'he could, what with 'is being tied up an' all…), "Now how did you use that calculation?" he asked raising an eyebrow.

"Jack, Elizabeth will certainly choose me over you"

"Miss Elizabeth is most certainly VERY attracted to me, rather than… you."

"Actually, she's known me for near her entire life, she's only known your for one quarter of that."

"Good," Jack said, "By now you've most certainly had time to chase her away."

"I have not!"

"Yes you have!"

"No I haven't!

"Well," said the person across from them, "I think Elizabeth will choose me!"

"NO SHE WON'T!!" Will yelled.

"SHHAADUUP IN THERE!" The jail keeper yelled.

It was silent for all but two seconds before:

"Jack, you can't honestly expect her to choose you!"

Jack rolled his eye, "Of COURSE she'll choose me."

"Jack, no she won't."

"Well, she's not going to choose you."

"Yes, she will."

"No, she won't."

"Yes she will."

"No she won't"

"YES, she wi-"

"Will, Jack, are you okay?" Elizabeth walked into the jail with Barbosa's monkey on her shoulder

"Elizabeth!" Will shouted. He paused for a moment, then looked back at her, "How'd you knock out the guard."

"The monkey did it for me." She said

She grabbed the keys and stuck them into the lock, "Now, let's hurr-"

"No!" Jack said.

"What?"

"You have to tell us who you chose first." Will said, "We're not coming out until then."

Elizabeth looked at the two as if they were insane. Seeming to reject the idea that she should just leave them there, she folded her arms, "I chose Jack."

"I told you, mate," Jack said, giving Will the 'I know things' look that is impossible to describe so they had to make the books into the movies.

"Oh, not you." Elizabeth said, "Remember? They named the monkey Jack."

Will and Jack's mouths both fell open.

The monkey grinned and gave them a thumbs up.

"Now hurry, we should go before they wake up." She said.

Jack and Will grudgingly got up after she untied them. The creepy person in the cell across from them gave them a pitying look, "Sorry bludgers." He said.

As they were walking out the door, they heard the creepy old bat yell, "AREN'T YOU GOING TO LET ME OUT OF HERE?"

On the ship, Jack and Will shook hands.

"Truce?"

"Truce."

They both sighed.

"What now?" Will asked.

"We act like men, where's the bloody rum?!" Jack yelled.

"Oh," Elizabeth said, "we dumped that overboard."

"NOOOO!"

The monkey laughed and clapped his hands as Jack Sparrow and William Turner wept for 2 days 9 hours and 36 minutes afterwards…

Poor douchen fagens.

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AiShi: XD Isn't this the greatest thing in the world? Omg, I wrote this from 2:00AM-5:00AM and then had my lackey type it up for me. Haha. Lackey. (actually random person who I've never seen before in my life. (aka Robin (aka Katie))) OMG, LIBBY, WE DEDICATED THIS TO YOU!!!! ISN'T IT WONDERFUL?!?! XD 


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